If you or someone you know is the kind of person who could sleep through Chicken Shawarmageddon or a Swiss Top Secret Drumline performance, perhaps you’ll find an alarm clock below that will succeed in getting you out of bed on Monday morning.
Never mind the almost creepy name, we know what you’re thinking. “My alarm clock wants to run away? LET IT!“, right? But apparently this thing jumps off the night table and careens around the room making terrifying noises until you catch it and shut it off. Our sympathies if it gets trapped in the maze of pizza boxes, porn magazines, or whatever other creepiness resides under your bed.
Remember that douchey kid that got a trip to the White House and thousands of dollars of goodies from Microsoft for dismantling a commercial alarm clock and acting like he had made some clever gizmo in his home lab? Let’s see him sneak THIS little baby into the science fair. Which is something you might want to ponder if you order it, or plan to take it on the plane amongst your holiday gifts. You “defuse” the bomb by taking away the correct one of 4 wires within a 10 second countdown.
Some of you may be disappointed with this one; there’s nothing in the description about olfactory qualities. And there’s a very good chance that if you have a male partner, you’ve put up with fart sounds and smells every morning for ages anyway, so we don’t know how effective this one would be the real world. You also may feel a little odd grabbing some tiny man’s butt every morning to stop him from farting. Or not. Who are we to judge?
Whoopty doo. A little whirlygig shoots into the air. But wait! There’s more! Apparently the alarm makes some terrifying sound until you put the little whirlygig back in its base. And between the fact that you don’t know where it’s going to land, and that the reviews say it can be really hard to get it back on the base, this one just might work.
Who hasn’t, on occasion, felt like shooting their alarm clock in the morning to make it stop? I have a friend who’s a big Hunter Thompson fan who basically does this every morning anyway, but with real bullets. He finds the tight cracking report of his small-caliber sidearm reassuring as he starts his day.
According to the reviews, this one is a bit of a dud, aside from the cute blinky lights and verbal countdown prior to “liftoff”, which propels the rocket about six inches or so. This might actually be a good metaphor for many men’s sexual performance in the morning though, and therefore a useful “message” gift for that certain someone in your life.
If it weren’t for the fact that this thing only weighs about a pound, there might be a decent concept here. You have to do 30 or more “reps” to get the alarm to stop. Apologies for resorting to yet another “morning wood” reference, but isn’t doing about 30 reps what a lot of men do before rolling over and going back to sleep?
The clear failure of this product is that it does not fill the air with deliciously baconic aromas in the morning. It just wiggles its meat, does some weird bacon rap that reviewers say they can’t decipher, and then makes a sizzling sound. Actually, that sounds kind of like a Kanye concert, doesn’t it?
No, this isn’t an Oreo cookie (which most of us might get out of bed for), it’s an alarm clock. And living up to its iDevice-like characteristics (except that brown color of course), it’s pretty high-tech, in spite of its simple appearance. It’s a “Wireless App Controlled Bluetooth Bed Alarm Shaker”, according to the product description, which “vibrates three times stronger than an iPhone’s alarm”, whatever that means.
While it may look innocuous enough, apparently this little device literally emits a 113 decibel sound to wake you up. So how loud is 113 decibels? According to industrial safety charts, 110-115 decibels is the rock band/jackhammer/siren/riveter range. Puh. I live in a downtown area where the parking structure across the street is perpetually under construction, and have learned to sleep through their 7am start times. Thankfully, this clock also has a shaker device. No word on its Richter rating though.
This one looks for all the world like either a weird sex toy, or a space mine from a children’s sci-fi show that doesn’t exist. But as well as shaking like the “SmartShaker by iLuv” above, this one delivers “seven wacky character phrases”. And by “wacky”, they apparently mean “racist and culturally insensitive”. Apparently the Asian-accented voice says “You wake up now. You been sleeping like 24 hour. No more beauty sleep for you! Look in mirror – you need brush your hair. You scare my wife!”
Okay, maybe that clock above ISN’T so racist. This is the actual description for this product: “Tsu would explode and do not get up early? Kachi and value and value … time bomb type device wake-up! Danger Bomb Clock!!… In the film and television “…?! I can stop the explosion if out which line” Doki-Doki-Doki, scene of the classic Lost Should I cut which line to stop the time bomb….Late is eliminated with this! The thrill and excitement to the life of every day …! !”