If you’re amongst the elite in either major political party in the US, this article will be of little interest to you, because you have clearly resorted to various forms of cannibalism as your main form of sustenance. While the many-headed beast on the GOP side of the aisle is busy snapping at its own misshapen, cancerous, and unruly appendages, the three-headed monster on the other side is making epic work of its own self-devouring, tearing off sinewy shreds of its aging folk favorite to feed its prized heffer.

For the rest of us, a staple food for carnivalesque times like these is popcorn, as we watch the campaign clown cars collide under the big tent. That’s why today we’re taking a look at some candidate-themed popcorn maker choices. Especially since there’s a good chance both parties will have brokered conventions, this whole campaign season is probably even more of a shitshow than most of us think. So we’re just going to sit back, enjoy the show, and flip a coin come election day.

The Christie
Only $11,782.47*

When high volume and easy access are the primary concerns, the Gold Medal Cornado II  is a no-brainer. It has a 48oz capacity, does 20 cycles per hour, and there’s no glass enclosure, so guests can bury their face right in the popcorn and graze, just like Chris Christie does at dinner!

The Trump
$2,255.64 – $2,648.63*

When you don’t need Christie-level production capacity but want to capture the full carnivalesque clown car vibe for your guests, we feel it’s a toss-up between these two. The Gold Medal Antique Citation captures a certain grotesque Trumpiness with its etched glass, gold finish, flashy lights, and baroque detailing, but the Gold Medal 2660GT is somehow suggestive of a rickety old man who’s trying desperately to impress, but who’s probably ready to skip town at a moment’s notice.

The Hillary
Only $1502.60*

If you want to put on a big show of possessing the no-frills trustworthiness of a cast iron skillet even though you’re rich as Croesus yourself and ride the Goldman Sachs Gravy Train to work, the Paragon 1911 Original Popcorn Machine is the way to go. And just like with Hillary, if you commit to this one, The Bill won’t be far behind.

The Bernie
Only $19.99

The Wabash Valley Farms Whirley-Pop Stovetop Popcorn Popper is the obvious pick for the Sanders voter. Why? Because there’s an old fashioned crank inolved, and you’re sure to “Feel the Bern”, since your hands need to be right on the thing while it’s popping your popcorn.

The Fiorina
Only $64.99*

If you’re running a Mickey Mouse operation but always bragging about your corporate connections, the Disney Mickey Kettle Style Popcorn Popper is the clear choice. According to reviews, this one is more about image than performance, so it might not last the entire campaign season, just like Carly!

_{*All prices as of 1/25/16 at 11:34pm}