Ask the average American what they’re doing for Bastille Day, and you will probably be greeted by a blank stare. When they finally confess their ignorance, and you tell them that it’s sort of like the “French Independence Day”, they’ll probably mutter something like “the only French thing I like is French Fries, and they ain’t even French”, feeling smug in their possession of what they assume to be some superior knowledge, having never heard the term pommes frites before. Never mind that the Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen, the French document that arose from the Storming of the Bastille is like a blood relation of the American Declaration of Independence (since it was heavily influenced by the same author, our own Thomas Jefferson), most Americans’ position on the topic would be “we all know those damn French are a bunch of socialists, and no way am I voting for Bernie Sanders, blah blah blah”.
But c’mon America. Don’t let your own ignorance prevent you from having another holiday to celebrate. We’ve rounded up some great gift ideas to help.
Don’t let nineteenth century criminal prosecutors have ALL the fun, get you own! While the brutishness of lopping the guilty’s head off with a huge blade may seem barberic to our modern sensibilities, at the time, the guillotine was considered quite an improvement over the monstrous cruelty of the breaking wheel, in terms of being humane. If indeed killing a human can ever be considered “humane”. We couldn’t find the real thing on Amazon, so you’ll have to settle for the Park Avenue Collection Mini Medieval Guillotine.
One of the best things to do with a guillotine if you have one is to behead rich people who piss you off. The French did this to Marie Antoinette, whom the French hated because, while we the average person was wondering where their next meal was coming from, she was busy not blowing millions on diamond necklaces but getting blamed for it, and not saying “Let them eat cake” and getting blamed for that too. Interestingly, not only did Marie Antoinette probably not say “Let them eat cake” , whoever did or didn’t say it said “Let them eat brioche”, which gets the idea across much better. Whatever. Rich people suck when you’re broke. We should revive this whole beheading thing, don’t you think? Luckily this Marie Antoinette Action Figure has a head that pops off so you can start practicing.
More Fun With Guillotines
The objective of the humorous and irreverent card game Guillotine is to get a head. It’s also to get ahead, which players – who represent rival guillotine operators vying for the best collection of noble heads – do in three rounds of play.
Costumes & Accessories
There’s something seriously twisted about the idea of a Marie Antoinette costume for kids, but while you’re at it, you may as well add to the joke setup opportunities with a kids’ Napoléon Bonaparte costume too. And the Marie Antoinette Necklace and Earrings say so much with so little, don’t they?
Forum Novelties Marie Antoinette Costume, Child$28.09 Add to cart
Marie Antoinette Miniature Guillotine Blade Red Gemstone Earrings By Alchemy Gothic$45.99 Add to cart
Marie Antoinette Necklace, Guillotine Necklace, Marie Antoinette jewelry, Swarovski Crystal, French Royal Jewelry$85.00 Add to cart
Napoleon Costume Set – Large 12-14$28.92 Add to cart
The “Let them eat cake” invitations will set the tone nicely, so you can disappoint your guests by serving brioche instead, if you choose to brave the Brioche Greats cookbook. But you know darn well you’d rather have French Fries, so you might do better to spend a little more and get a Hamilton Beach Deep Fryer.
Admittedly, three beach balls have fuck all to do with Bastille Day,
but these feature the tri-colour of the French flag, so why not.