CandidHate 2016: Souvenirs From The Camp Pain Trail

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No wonder so many people are having trouble deciding.


When the primary season began, it was an exciting time. On the GOP side, over a dozen candidates. Some of them nut jobs, a couple of oligarchs, and even a couple who seemed to have some integrity and decent intentions. While the Dems didn’t match this field in terms of quantity, the quality of the contest was dynamic, genuinely invigorating the left for the first time since 2008. So here it is, almost November, and what do we have to show for all our hard work as citizens, campaigning and tuning into debates like never before in history? We got nothin’. The nuttiest of the nut jobs from the GOP field, and the oligarchiest of the oligarchs possible from the other side of the aisle. The two most disliked candidates in the history of American presidential campaigns. Well, at least one positive thing came out of this election cycle – probably the most collectible political novelty crap imaginable. Get it while it lasts.

Either Way, You’re F*cked

Arguably, the 2016 campaign is precisely the sort of scenario the creator of the term “clusterfuck” must have envisioned. We probably need a new word like “equivohate” to describe voter sentiment this election year. This concept is nicely conveyed by the lose/lose design of these coins. Available in both fucked and non-fucked versions, either way you’re fucked, because these things are horrifyingly ugly at any price.


Talking Trump Button

If you want to hear Donald Trump say ridiculous things in his own voice, and hearing Donald Trump constantly saying ridiculous things in his own voice in the media every day just isn’t cutting it for you any more, the Kangaroo Candidate Button lets you press a button, and “hear Donald Trump say ridiculous things in his voice!”, complete with an exclamation point! (Hairy white male finger not included)

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$6.99 Add to cart


Trump And Clinton Paper Dolls

While “paper tiger” might be more suitable to describe one of these candidates, we can probably all agree that both of them possess a genuine-ness that runs as deep as a paper doll costume. Bonus: the book itself is educational. Did you know Hillary Clinton swears by hot peppers to stay healthy? (Note to self: cut back on pepper intake).

paper-dolls

$27.95 Add to cart


Noise Reduction

If your ears are sore from sticking your fingers in them while you say “la la la la la” while Clinton or Trump talk, there IS an alternative. You could buy some conventional earplugs of course, or your could step up your game a little and buy these branded headsets. Whether it’s the river of insane words from Trump’s mouth, or Clinton’s grating tone that gets to you, the clear value here is the Trump Cancelling Headphones. The Clinton model is merely no-brand ear protectors in a branded bag.


Humanity Hates Politicians

With questions like “Make ________ great again” and response cards like “police shooting black people” and “dating your daughter”, these Humanity Hates Trump and Humanity Hates Hillary cards should appease the horrible person that you are, at the expense of the horrible candidates we’re stuck with. Yuge fun.


The Obligatory Bobble Head

No election year is complete without bobble heads, but the bobble head makers of the world seem to be taking things to a new level. Although InStyle said stripes were “in” this year, we don’t think the intention of the Hillary Clinton Striped Pantsuit Bobblehead was to make her look stylish. And we’re pretty disappointed with the Donald Trump Bobble Head with Immigration Sign – if it were anything like accurate, the head would be stuck on the right side and wouldn’t bobble at all.


Donald’s Rump

Why are novelty product makers so obsessed with Donald Trump’s butt? Maybe it has something to do with what he seems to be so full of. We already talked about how the 2016 election is in the toilet, and featured the first Donald Trump pen holder, but apparently there’s another model available . We also learned a new word: “caganer”. According to Wikipedia, a caganer is a figurine depicted in the act of defecation appearing in nativity scenes in Catalonia and neighbouring areas with Catalan culture such as Andorra, Valencia, and Northern Catalonia (in southern France). It literally means “the crapper”. Seems appropriate somehow. Be sure to pick one up before you set up your nativity scene this year.


Kool-Aid Containers

If you want to keep drinking the kool-aid, you may as well get a suitable container. Wake up, sheeple! With a Make Coffee Great Again Mug. Or drown your poor little oppressed white man sorrow with an endless stein of PBR, in your Make Beer Great Again Stein.

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CandidHate 2016: Souvenirs From The Camp Pain Trail

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We’re obviously not gonna get a decent president for all our efforts as citizens, so let’s at least snag some swag.