You know how it happens. You’ve had a long day, are exhausted, but still have some last-minute Christmas shopping to do. You start with a simple search for something like “AA batteries” or “SD cards”, and thanks to the little “Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought” strip at the bottom of the page, six hours later, you’re looking at whole rabbit, ten pounds. It’s the Amazon equivalent of “Wikiphilia”. You know, when you start out looking up the name of someone who starred in a stupid 80’s TV show, and six hours later, you’re reading about Alexandre de Prouville de Tracy, or looking at a list of animals with fraudulent diplomas. We’ve elsewhere used the term Rabbit Wholing for the Amazon version of the phenomena.  Here’s a handy definition:

What you might not know is that Amazon also has a pretty extensive section devoted to sex toys. Items that often won’t appear in regular searches, but are buried way down in  Health & Personal Care > Sexual Wellness. We have no idea at this point where this particular adventure in “rabbit wholing” really began; it was probably by accidentally typing “Fleshlight” instead of “Flashlight”. It doesn’t matter much now, the brain damage has been done. But let us spare you the misery we endured, by sharing some of the bizarre cross-recommendations that popped up as we spiraled further into the abyss. Who knows, maybe you’ll actually find the perfect gift. Especially if you have a weird solitary uncle named “Clem” that lives in a trailer down by the river.

Form & Function

Thanks partly to the contours and colors common with modern product design, a device’s purpose isn’t always immediately evident just from looking at it. And this seems nowhere more true than in the “Sexual Wellness” section of Amazon.

Sliquid Sqweel Oral Sex Simulator

At first glance, you might think this is some kind of…um…dear lord. I dunno. A computer cooling fan? A “Think Pink” ice scraper? But no. It’s a Sliquid Sqweel Oral Sex Simulator. Knowing that, all I can think of when I see this image is a disgusting “luh luh luh” sound.

Vibrating Turbo Suction Tongue Stimulator

 

Looking for all the world like a pacifier that was left on the dashboard of your car last summer, you may be disturbed to discover that this is in fact a Vibrating Turbo Suction Tongue Stimulator. Look. I don’t care if you use one of these, just promise me you won’t kiss grandma on Christmas with that perverted little mouth of yours.

Wait. You want me to put WHAT on my face?

Yeah, we know where to put this little baby, right? Well, if you said anything besides “on your face”, you’re wrong. One of the problems with putting all the sex toys under “Health & Personal Care” is that thanks to the Brancusi-esque contours of modern product design mentioned above, it’s hard to tell a “personal stimulation device” from a simple 5 in 1 Electric Facial Cleansing Brush.

Female Vagina Recovery Toys

We’re not sure what’s being “recovered” with FLLT Female Vagina Recovery Toys. We also don’t know what a male vagina recovery toy would look like. Actually we think these look more like golf ball carriers. Is that even a thing?

F-Machine, 110 Volts

Looking for a new harpoon gun for your whaling vessel? Well, look somewhere else, because this is the F-Machine 110V Sex Machine (with 240 RPM’s and Adjustable Thrust Length, if you were wondering). I don’t know who would derive pleasure from this, but if this is their idea of pleasure, I’m sure a hundred ten volts will do the trick.

Fleshlight Stamina Training Unit

It’s just a flashlight, right? Please, just be a flashlight. Nope. It’s a Fleshlight Pink Lady Stamina Training Unit. We’ve done you the favor of displaying the less offensive image. But on reflection, this could actually be a useful “message” gift for the partner who tends to “jump to conclusions”.

Corn on the What?

Dear Lord. What kind of sex toy has a threaded light-bulb socket at the base? Oh. Never mind. It is in fact just a lightbulb. A Factop LED Corn Light, to be specific.

Show Some Restraint

Smiffy’s Men’s Gimp Costume

No problem determining the function from the form here. If you expect to be all tied up during the holidays, why not go all the way with Smiffy’s Men’s Gimp Costume? And if you’re a Pulp Fiction fan, the experience won’t be complete unless you toss on “Commanche” by the Revels, which unfortunately is only available on the full soundtrack.

Posey Belt Restraint Bed

In spite of the “Silence of the Lambs” vibe going on here, the J.T. Posey Belt Restraint Bed set could actually be quite a practical purchase in preparation for post holiday nervous breakdowns, when the credit card bills start rolling in.

You Just Shut Your Mouth

Kolight Anti Wrinkle Slimming Cheek Mask

No really, shut up. But while you’re at it, you may as well work on some face-slimming. We know what you’re thinking. More perverted bondage gear. Nope. It’s the Kolight Anti Wrinkle Half Face Slimming Cheek Mask. Though we seriously question the real motives behind the designer’s work here.

Okay, You Can Open It Now

Silicone Rubber Face Slimmer Mouth Muscle Tightener

But you’re gonna KEEP it open, until we say otherwise. But again, the form belies the purpose; this is pitched as a Face Slimmer Mouth Muscle Tightener. Sorry, but we think it looks more like some kind of sadistic “human foie gras” feeding aid.

Kid Stuff

We wish we were kidding, but products for children would randomly pop up in the “Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought” strip at the bottom of the page amongst the sex toys. And a couple of them displayed the shortcomings that “articifial intelligence” tools still possess quite clearly. Below are two examples.

Melissa and Doug Doctor Role Play Costume Set

We have no idea why they had Megan and Danny pose for the Melissa and Doug Doctor Role Play Costume. And we don’t know why Danny’s smiling; while he’s examining Megan’s eye or whatever with that thing, that syringe she’s holding has to go somewhere, right? Frankly, back in our day we did JUST FINE playing doctor without some fancy getup like this, how about you?

Riding Daddy

Funny how two simple and otherwise harmless words can take on such a disturbing vibe based on context. Riding dad like a horsey is an age old tradition, probably pre-dating written history. The “daddle” was first productized by Kenner decades ago, and you’ve probably seen this image:

But the vague creepiness of the the concept gets less-vague when you’re looking at a bunch of dildoes in a “if you like this, maybe you’ll like this” widget, and this pops up. Even dad can’t bear to look:

My Little Pony Cashel Daddle Saddle

No. Just no. Please. Make it stop.

Corkscrew Bill

Since we told you above to put a “cork in it”, we figured we owed it to you to give you a method to remove it. We’re pretty sure Bill can help.

Infant Circumcision Trainer

No. Just NO. On the other hand, as one of the reviews says, it’s the “perfect Christmas gift for that hard-to-shop-for creepy uncle/circumfetishist. The only drawback is that it doesn’t scream, but you could easily remedy that by hooking it up to an MP3 player that plays circumcised baby screams while you ‘practice‘.”

Rare Breast Melon Vegetable Seeds From Vietnam

Because no home gardening project is complete without breasts growing all over the walls, right? Don’t be a boob. In spite of hundreds of websites out there that purport these melons actually exist, you’re going to have to go the grocery store if you want to get your hands on some nice melons. These seeds are a novelty joke. And why they’re buried down in “Sexual Wellness” is beyond us.

Sky Diving Sigmund Freud Action Figure

You may be wondering what on Earth the purpose of a Sky Diving Sigmund Freud Action Figure is. If so, we suggest you go back and actually read the article, instead of just looking at the pictures. Which still won’t REALLY explain the purpose. But if you made it this far and actually DID read it all, you may want to seek actual professional help, and this might be a handy reminder. We actually recommend a Jungian therapist, but none turned up in the Sex Toys department, like this did.