No need for Christmas miracles, thanks to our handy gift suggestions!
There’s an astonishingly high likelihood – given the intelligence of the average American voter – that Donald Trump could be the next president. But “it ain’t over ’til it’s over”, as Yogi Berra and Lenny Kravitz both famously said. So whether you’re trying to persuade a Trump-supporting friend or loved one to come to their senses, or simply make them happy this holiday season, we’ve carefully selected the perfect gifts to keep you “getting fired”. For a summary of Donald Trump’s platform, such as it is, you might review his On the Issues page.
PRACTICAL GIFTS
WamBam No-Dig Nantucket
Vinyl Picket Fence
If Trump wins, we’re going to be building lots of fences. Get started at home with some fences to reflect the surreal 1950’s era values we might soon be embracing with a WamBam No-Dig Picket Fence. You can work your way up to anti-Mexican walls later.
Silver Cross Balmoral Pram
(Only $4,054.00!)*
Trump and his supporters are going to be needing lots of baby supplies, once they defund Planned Parenthood as he intends. Might as well do it Trump-style, with a $4,000 Silver Cross Balmoral Pram. Trusted by the British Royal family for generations!
Elite Tactical Body
Armor (Level IIIA)
Between his pandering to second-amendment-misquoting wingnuts and the high prices caused by “bringing American jobs home”, the bullets will be flying. Might as well plan ahead!
XM50 Joint Service
General Purpose Mask
Between his belief that “climate change is a hoax” and plans to dismantle the EPA, the air will be a little harder to breathe in coming years. This will come in handy for the items below too!
THE SWEET STENCH OF SUCCESS
Trump Success Eau
de Toilette for Men
We have no idea what this smells like, but if it evokes “Trumpness”, we can only imagine a bouquet of hair pomade, suntan lotion, and hemorrhoid cream.
Trump Success Deodorant
Stick for Men
It’s appropriate that Trump makes a product you rub in your pits, because that’s where the country will be after being gutted by a deluded rich old white man.
APPEALS TO REASON
50 Reasons to Vote
for Donald Trump
This one’s a gift you can buy for yourself. Maybe it will help you understand your friend a little better.
50 Reasons NOT to
Vote for Donald Trump
This one’s for your friend, even though odds are that they if they support Trump, they can’t read.
HANDY GUIDES TO FASCISM
Crippled America:
(How to Make America Great Again)
We haven’t read it, but if it embodies his public statements, it explains how all races but one are racially and ideologically inferior and threatening, and that to rebuild our nation, we must do away with them as soon as possible.
Mein Kampf
(How to Make Germany Great Again)
We haven’t read it, but our understanding is that it explains how all races but one are racially and ideologically inferior and threatening, and that to rebuild a nation, that race must do away with the others as soon as possible.
MENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES
This might help your friend come to understand that they are in fact insane.
Once they get some proper electroshock therapy, this can fill their time.
DRESS THE PART
In the fairly likely event that Trump does indeed become president, we may as well do what good citizens do under new fascist rule, and start dressing like our dictator. While Trump’s style leaves a lot to be desired, at least he doesn’t have a toothbrush moustache. Roll with the flow, and Become the Trump with some simple costuming.
This billionaire wig will make you feel like a million bucks. And you’ll only spend twenty!
Perhaps the most interesting thing about this hat is that it coincidentally is made in China.
YOU TWO-FACED DOUBLE DEALER, YOU
Donald Trump
Serious Costume Mask
This one is for the stone-faced
stare that says “no deal”.
Donald Trump the
Billionaire Tycoon Mask
This one’s for when you’re
yelling “YOU’RE FIRED!!!”
A DONALD EVERYWHERE
All fascist dictators understand the importance of constant branding. His face will probably be on buildings everywhere, but you might as well be prepared on the homefront for those unexpected visits from government officials too.
Donald Trump Red Hat
Cardboard Cutout Standup
What could be more comforting than having a full-size Donald Trump always standing at your side?
Talking 12″ Donald Trump
“The Apprentice” Collectible
Why, a talking foot-tall collectible Donald Trump, of course! Speaks seventeen different phrases!
