For many, the most terrifying things about the year 2001 might include the fact that the Supreme Court elected our president, or the attacks of September 11. But for us, one of the most terrifying things about 2001 would have to be the fact that this was the year that it became evident that “double zero” New Year’s Eve glasses were going to continue growing in popularity, and in fact persist long after there weren’t even two consecutive zeroes in the current year. Otherwise, aside from all the companies biting the dust in the aftermath of the dot com bubble, it was quite a remarkable year in tech. Several major things happened that continue to have a profound impact on our daily lives in 2016.

Windows XP Launches

October 25, 2001 – Microsoft does the inconceivable. The unexpected. The unthinkable. They release an operating system that doesn’t crash every time you spend 90 minutes getting an image to align in Word the way you wanted and forget to save it. Some suspect Windows XP ran on Teletubbies Magic, due to its default desktop’s resemblance to Teletubby Land:

But strangely, the actual default desktop image was apparently not Photoshopped, and is in fact a photo of a real place. Here’s the story, if you’re interested:

Make all the jokes you like about Windows, but XP was such a workhorse that it’s still in operation on over 250 million computers, and in places that might surprise you. That doesn’t mean that it didn’t have its problems though:

Clippy Discontinued

April 11, 2001 – Much to the disappointment of three people in Oklahoma with an aggregate IQ of 87, Microsoft retires Clippy, ending a legacy of help programs that don’t help, which stretched all the way back to 1995 and Microsoft Bob. Personally, we’re of the opinion that a rebirth of the program might be quite helpful for Facebook:

Apple Builds A Wall

March 24, 2001 – Apple releases Mac OSX and, as if shocked into action by the stunning development of a stable operating system over at Microsoft, they also launch a triple-pronged assault on the consumer computer market, rolling out several products that will change the world forever.

iTunes

January 9, 2001 – At the outset, iTunes seemed like nothing more than a RAM-hogging piece-of-crap spyware tool that sunk its evil talons as deeply into your system as possible, screeching your computer to a halt and trying to rename all your song files while it told you which media files you own. The problems with iTunes actually run much deeper; Apple’s privacy policies still sneakily state that they can and do collect real-time location-based information on users aged 13 and over. And its security flaws allowed governments to spy on users for several years. But iTunes was in fact the very soul of the impervious wall that Apple was to build in the coming years. Having an Apple at the center, it is of course now referred to as a Walled Garden.

iPod

October 23, 2001 – The original iPod was of epic importance for a variety of reasons. First of all, if you were from the generation that migrated from the warbling of Walkman cassette players to the insufferable skipping of the DiscMan, the idea of being able to store the equivalent of 50 pounds of CD’s on a device that fit in your shirt pocket was nothing short of magical. But perhaps more importantly, in conjunction with iTunes, the iPod prepared you for an endless cycle of obsolescence and redefinition of media ownership that would have seemed absurd just a decade ago. These days though, you look at an iPod and say “What? No phone? No 12 megapixel camera? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SNAPCHAT ON THIS THING???”

Apple Stores

May 19, 2001 – Although a “Genius Bar” sounds like a brain food snack for the smart bar generation, it is in fact a stylish, mall-based torture chamber where you line up at a bar to choose which “genius” you wish you could beat to a pulp for being such a condescending twit even though the best job they could get was shilling high-priced nerd gear for retail wages. Physical retail was a crucial part of Apple’s long-term strategy; what better way to cultivate obsession with a product than to trap a person in a store for hours on end, make them schedule appointments even though you’re already talking to them, and then force them to look at lots of sleek tech products while shaming them into buying them to prove they can afford them?

Wikipedia

January 15, 2001 – Never again will your life be plagued by the annoying phenomena of doing a simple search on Brittania.com, finding the simple fact you were looking for, and moving on with your day. Thanks to Wikipedia, any search for basic facts can now become a day-derailing epic journey that leads you from learning the age of a petulant 21st century pop star like Justin Bieber, to understanding how the Peace of Westphalia in 17th-century Europe was influenced by the Concordat of Worms  in the 12th century.

Google Image Search

July 12, 2001 – Google rolls out Google Image Search, forever enhancing mankind’s eternal search for boobies. Until 2012, anyway, when they start censoring “explicit” content unless you specifically change the “I Want Boobies” settings.

9/11 Games: Too Soon?

Within days of September 11, a number of Flash games based on the World Trade Center attacks appeared on line. And within days, they were also mostly pulled offline. Guess what! They’re back!

Coming Next Week: ZeFrank!

ZeFrank was “doing viral when there weren’t no viral”, to quote Jack Nicholson. Stay tuned for more about ZeFrank next week. In the mean time, learn to dance properly.