Classic Bugout Bag

Below is a classic bugout bag, one that’s supposed to help you survive for two weeks. It looks pretty complete, with its radio/flashlight combo, water filter, first aid supplies, waterproof matches, and food. But there are a few problems with this kind of bag. First of all, these things are mostly targeted at preppers and survivalists, who envision using a bag like this in the event of some apocalyptic occurrence. In their head, they picture some mashup of the movies 2012, The Road, and Mad Max. So they’re thinking about heading to the wilderness, where they’ll need this sort of thing. We have a different strategy, which we’ll outline further below. Second, even if this were your approach, we suspect this particular bag is targeted at the average American, thus mostly focused on food. It says there’s enough for two weeks; if you actually ingested a healthy amount of calories, you could probably take about 1/4 as much food, and focus on more useful things. And third, it’s hard to assess the value or quality of the kits like this on Amazon, because whether the person buying it failed and died, or succeeded and left for good, they’re certainly not going to come back and write an Amazon review!

$269.99 Add to cart

What’s Missing?

As we said, the classic bugout bag is a product of the prepper imagination, so focuses on surviving as you escape civilization and head into the wilderness. It also assumes you have some basic camping skills, and are content sitting around all day staring at chipmunks and mushrooms in the woods somewhere. Let’s get real here. What about your hair? What about the latest episode of Game of Thrones? And most importantly, why carry around so many supplies, when – with the right tools – you could stay close to suburbia and steal what you needed?

Coffee & Cigarettes

Having been broke and on the move on several occasions in life myself, I long ago sorted out what the two most important things in life really are, and they are cigarettes and coffee, in that order. If you have a cigarette, you can calm down and think. And if you have coffee, you can REALLY calm down and think. How are you gonna make coffee on the road though? With a Hey Joe Coffee GoJoe 2.0, that’s how.

$99.99 Add to cart

Have A Light?

Yes, you will have a light UNTIL THE DAMN SUN GOES OUT, with a solar-powered cigarette lighter. Cigarettes not included.

$9.00 Add to cart

Keeping Up Appearances

Hey, just because you’re going to be on the move doesn’t mean you have to grow dreadlocks or have bedhead every day. Keep your coiff looking coiffed with a FreeDryer Cordless Hair Dryer!

$219.95 Add to cart

Having a nice hairdo is pointless if your nails look like crap. Bet you didn’t know they made battery-powered nail dryers! To paraphrase Madge the manicurist in those old dish soap commercials: “Technology? You’re soaking in it!”

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Entertainment

Yeah, go ahead and kid yourself that life on the run will be all the stimulation you need. But the fact is that you’ll have more free time than ever, and will probably use 90% of that time wondering what happened in the latest episode of The Walking Dead or Game of Thrones. Stay tuned in with the SuperSonic Portable Widescreen Digital TV Tuner!

$84.99 Add to cart

Bugout Challenge: Elimination Round

If we ask if you’re sure you’re commited to this adventure, you’ll say “Is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods?” To which we’ll reply “Yes, but you don’t”. Face it. The first time you’re confronted with the reality of squatting in the wilderness, “doing your duty”, and wiping your bum with twigs and dried leaves, you’ll have second thoughts. It’ll add a bit to your load, but you’ll thank us later if you grab a Camco Portable Toilet.

$76.09 Add to cart

Can You Hear Me Now? Can You Hear My Cow?

Whether civilization actually has collapsed, or you’re just hoboing and hitching train rides through the wastelands of South Dakota, your regular cell phone service isn’t gonna cut it. Stay connected with an Iridium 9575 Extreme Satellite Phone.

$1,185.00 Add to cart

Knowledge Is Power

And you never know when you’re going to need to Dispose of a Body (skill #86), Steal a Plane (#26), or Cross Enemy Boarders by Sea, Air and Land (#11, #12 and #13), right? But you’ll know how to do all these things if you read 100 Deadly Skills

$19.99 $12.34 Add to cart

The Tools For The Job

Well, we don’t know what “the job” really will be in your scenario, and we certainly don’t endorse the things mentioned in the book above, but if this is the path you’ve chosen, you’ll need some tools. You’re bound to forget something, unless of course you get a Victorinox SwissChamp XAVT, which packs 80 functions into one tool, which fits in your pocket. Provided your pocket is big enough to hold the equivalent of a half-dozen iPhones, that is.

$379.95 Add to cart

Emergency Vehicle Acquisition,
and Other Valuable Skills

Maybe your little adventure will require “borrowing” a stranger’s car. That’s when you’ll need the Readyman EVAC Emergency Vehicle Acquisition Card. We’re not sure of the usefulness of these other tools, but having a survival bracelet grenade on your belt and the parts to make an axe in your wallet will make you look pretty badass when you stop at Wendy’s to use the restroom because you got tired of lugging that portable toilet around.