Dickensian Labor Day Celebration Ideas

Labor day is a lot more fun if you’re a billionaire robber baron.

This image by Udo Keppler was probably the inspiration for Matt Taibbi's great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity

This hundred year old image by Udo Keppler was probably the inspiration for Matt Taibbi’s great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity.

Somewhere along the way, we lost touch with the true meaning of Labor Day. No, it’s not about when you stop wearing white pants. In fact, I personally have pointed out for some time that not wearing white pants after Labor Day is just an obnoxious rule made up by rich people, and generally only enforced with any vigor by fashion-conscious gay men. And no, it’s not about traditional Labor Day dishes and getting together with family. If it were, a suitable spread would consist mainly of boot soup and expired tinned meat, and the holiday wouldn’t be right after parents have blown their wad on school clothes, supplies, and tuition, and are completely broke-ass for the next month. No, the true meaning of labor day is all about worker exploitation, and an entitled elite stepping on the necks of the proletariat at every turn. So let’s get back to our roots, and look at how to REALLY enjoy celebrating Labor Day.

Being Born Rich

Before you get going on your new adventure as a labor exploiting, child abusing robber baron with utter disregard for anyone but yourself and your ten rich friends, it’s going to help if you’re rich. Since you have a roughly .00002 percent chance of becoming a billionaire, you better make sure you’re born one.

Born Rich

Three Fun Ideas For Oppressing Your Workers On Labor Day

This is just a starter list, surely you can think of your own ways  to oppress the starving masses. Feel free to leave your suggestions as a comment.

Buy Clothes For Your Child Laborers

But only white pants, so you can belittle them for wearing them after Labor Day. And constantly dock their pay for always wearing dirty pants.


Raise All Your Employees’ Hourly Pay To $15 Or More

Then file for bankruptcy, blaming your already-failing company’s failure on those wage increases.

Monopoly Card Bankruptcy

Invite Your Workers To The Labor Day Parade You’re Presenting

But on the Saturday before the holiday, to build the floats. Bonus: They’re not working on the actual holiday, so they don’t get holiday pay!

Um, yeah. I'm gonna need ya to work Saturday. Mmmkay?

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