Cycling Gear Or Sex Toys?


Cycling apparel designers seem to have an odd sense of humor.

Cycling apparel designers seem to have an odd sense of humor.

It happened again. That hour-devouring phenomena we call Rabbit Wholing. We’ve touched on this time sink several times before, and this time it started as it always does, with a routine search on Amazon. This time I was just looking for a new heart rate monitor because I was getting tired of doing everything short of licking the aging one I have to get it to work. By the way, did you know that the wrist-only type you all think is so cool and high tech is often pretty inaccurate? Anyway, as I browsed the Amazon search results, these cycling shorts popped up:

Padded Cycling Shorts

$32.99 $9.99 Select options

You have to admit that if you haven’t actually seen shorts like this before, the image might easily evoke thoughts of a Mandrill butt (that link’s SFW, provided Mandrills and their butts are safe where you work). But as always, it was the related products that kicked this round of Rabbit Wholing into high gear, when the “people who bought this also bought this” scroller featured things like the items below.

It Cleans WHAT Exactly?

Chain Cleaner

Okay, look at it. What do you think it is? That protuberance could only serve one purpose right? Oh get your mind out of low gear, will ya? It’s an RHX Chain Cleaner. You know, for “cleaning your oily chain”. Look, we’re not here to ask how your chains got oily, or what you were doing with chains in the first place. But now you have a stylish way to deal with the issue. You’re welcome.

$4.11 Add to cart

Put It In Its Cage

Schwinn Water Bottle

If it weren’t for the Schwinn logo, you might be able to mistake this little baby for a…you know, a…well, something other than a Bicycle Water Bottle & Cage. It comes with its own handy frame mounted cage, but we guess you can stick it anywhere you like.

$11.99 $8.59 Add to cart

Pumping Your Vibrelli

Vibrelli Pump

Really. At first we thought the confusion we were talking about here was a bit of a stretch. But you have to admit this thing would look a hell of a lot less like a dildo if it didn’t say “Vibrelli” right on it. If we’re not mistaken, “elli” is a diminutive masculine suffix in Italian, is it not? Got a leak in your rubber somewhere? Just slap on some glue and start pumping your Vibrelli!

$38.99 $19.97 Add to cart

A Smooth Ride

Poly Lube

Whatever you choose to do with these cycling accessories, a pound of Park Tool Polylube will make sure things go smoothly. Wherever they happen to go.

$16.95 $15.26 Add to cart

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