It’s the big day, and you STILL haven’t quite decided a) if you’re going to a party at all, and b) if you’re going to wear some kind of costume if you do. So you get on the internet, and…what, find some inspiration? Right. This approach may have held some hope before 2010 or so, when it became a clever new way to make money on product links. That’s what we were doing back then, with original pieces like these, which actually had some clever content in them. But thanks to “black hat viral” sites like Viral Nova and others – which base their business model entirely on stealing content and “SEO-ing” or “socialing” it to generate page views for revenue – this strategy is futile on today’s internet.

So if you came here looking for last-minute Halloween costume ideas, forget it. We don’t have any. Besides, as the folks at Tardville point out, last minute costumes usually end up being total cliches, and they outline a bunch of this year’s likely suspects, like  Bernie Sanders and/or Doc Brown, the douchebag hunter/dentist with Cecil the Lion, some kind of Planned Parenthood theme, Caitlyn Jenner jabs, Lamar Odom (that will be especially unsavory if you’re white, since you’ll be in blackface), Ben Carson Riding on a Dinosaur, Zombie Spock, or some spin on the recently deceased chef Paul Prudholmme.

So here are a few costume ideas you won’t have time for, or if you do, won’t want to wear. You’re welcome.

Real Life QWOP

If you ever played the utterly futile Flash-based game called QWOP, you’ll appreciate the devotion and skill demonstrated by this fellow at this Cosplay/Anime event in 2013. If you haven’t played QWOP, give it a shot. The futility is partly based on the fact that it’s impossible to actually move the character forward with the tools provided, and partly on the fact that you may be laughing too hard to pull it off anyway.

Vintage Halloween Chicken Costume

This costume is perfect for your last-minute costume for a bunch of reasons. First of all, if you’re looking for costume ideas on Halloween day, you’re obviously a big chicken. Second, it’s far too elaborate to assemble in a single day, so it gives you an easy out, as in: “I was gonna dress up as a big vintage chicken, but I didn’t finish the costume in time”.  But perhaps most importantly, it’s not even a Halloween costume, it’s actor Lucien Guitry in a 1910 play called Chantecler, by Edmond Rostand.

Dress as Hitler for Middle School

Another doomed plan, because a) presumably you’re not in middle school, and b) if you were, your parents proabably wouldn’t let you out of the house dressed this way. Unlike this kid’s parents, who are probably getting a visit from social services right about now.

 Dental Tool Model

Okay, this one WOULD be easy. But…but…okay. Words are failing us right now.

One-legged Something or Other

You won’t have the chutzpah for one of these, either, because unless you’re already missing a leg, you’ll have to cut one off for the costume. But on a serious (and more positive) note, why not stop fretting over a last-minute Halloween this year, and go do some good in the world, like the guy in these pictures, Josh Sundquist. He lost a leg at age nine and went on to be a champion paralympic skier and do motivational/inspirational work for other amputees.