This hundred year old image by Udo Keppler was probably the inspiration for Matt Taibbi’s great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity.

Somewhere along the way, we lost touch with the true meaning of Labor Day. No, it’s not about when you stop wearing white pants. In fact, I personally have pointed out for some time that not wearing white pants after Labor Day is just an obnoxious rule made up by rich people, and generally only enforced with any vigor by fashion-conscious gay men. And no, it’s not about traditional Labor Day dishes and getting together with family. If it were, a suitable spread would consist mainly of boot soup and expired tinned meat, and the holiday wouldn’t be right after parents have blown their wad on school clothes, supplies, and tuition, and are completely broke-ass for the next month. No, the true meaning of labor day is all about worker exploitation, and an entitled elite stepping on the necks of the proletariat at every turn. So let’s get back to our roots, and look at how to REALLY enjoy celebrating Labor Day.

Being Born Rich

Before you get going on your new adventure as a labor exploiting, child abusing robber baron with utter disregard for anyone but yourself and your ten rich friends, it’s going to help if you’re rich. Since you have a roughly .00002 percent chance of becoming a billionaire, you better make sure you’re born one.

Three Fun Ideas For Oppressing Your Workers On Labor Day

This is just a starter list, surely you can think of your own ways  to oppress the starving masses. Feel free to leave your suggestions as a comment.

Buy Clothes For Your Child Laborers

But only white pants, so you can belittle them for wearing them after Labor Day. And constantly dock their pay for always wearing dirty pants.

Raise All Your Employees’ Hourly Pay To $15 Or More

Then file for bankruptcy, blaming your already-failing company’s failure on those wage increases.

Invite Your Workers To The Labor Day Parade You’re Presenting

But on the Saturday before the holiday, to build the floats. Bonus: They’re not working on the actual holiday, so they don’t get holiday pay!

The post Dickensian Labor Day Celebration Ideas appeared first on Innoculous.com.

Putting It All Together

Thank you England, for Brexit. Which reminded us this year – just in time for the holiday – why, over two-hundred years ago, we made our own kind of Brexit, all the way across the Atlantic: you’re the only people stupider than us, and we needed to get away. Now that you’ve reinvigorated our enthusiasm about kicking your collective asses two centuries ago, we’re gonna have to think of something a little more interesting to wear than our usual fat pants and tank tops this year.

The natural inclination here is of course to turn to the old Stars and Stripes, right? But wait a minute. Is that even legal? There is after all, this thing called the Flag Code, and we don’t want to be desecrating our sacred flag, the one that flutters gracefully in the wind as a symbol of freedom and wonderfulness the world over, from Kirkuk to Kabul.

The code is over 3,000 words long, and if you don’t want to come across as some kind of treasonous homo, commie, or worse yet, foreigner, you might want to give it a review. It has some important rules to remember, like “The flag should never touch anything beneath it, such as the ground, the floor, water, or merchandise.” This presumably includes your butt, so maybe the Shore Trendz Patriotic thongs below are a bad idea. Even more specifically, the code says it “should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever. It should not be embroidered on such articles as cushions or handkerchiefs and the like” and “no part of the flag should ever be used as a costume or athletic uniform”.

But you know what? In spite of what your Vietnam vet grandad told you about how burning the flag or wearing it in the crack of your bum is a felony, it’s not. The flag code is not law, it’s just a list of suggestions. So let’s commence to desecratin’!

The post Fourth of July Fashion: Get Your ‘Murica On! appeared first on Innoculous.com.

Considering the fact that May in this part of the world brings the return of flowers and sunny warm days, it’s a little ironic that the major May holidays are devoted to glorifying war. Although Cinco De Mayo has evolved into a sort of “Mexican St. Patrick’s Day” (i.e., celebrating Mexican culture in general while Mexicans themselves barely observe the holiday) it was in fact originally in celebration of kicking the asses of the French out of Mexico. Which, given the general predilection of English-speaking countries toward France-bashing, might explain its continued popularity in the states. Later in the month, we have Armed Forces Day and Memorial Day, which try to make you uncomfortable about protesting murder by making you feel like an unpatriotic twit who hates our sons and daughters who died protecting the politicians who sent them to die in the first place our way of life. Which brings us to an oft-overlooked aspect of Mother’s Day, which these days feels like another Hallmark Holiday: it was originally a proclamation against war. As is so often the case, it takes a woman to have the insight, intelligence and humanity to present things like this clearly. If you can read the Mother’s Day Proclamation without shedding a tear, I know a couple of guys you might like. Here are a few of the opening lines, if you’ve never read it:

“…We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience…”

Go Mom!

The post Moms Agree: War Sucks appeared first on Innoculous.com.

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Suicide is of course always an option. Thanks Hallmark.

Is there someone in your life, maybe someone at your workplace, about whom you’ve often thought “if only the right opportunity presented itself, we could fall madly in love”? Well, snap out of it. If you’ve worked with or otherwise been around someone for months on end and they still avoid eye contact and keep conversations brief and on-topic, guess what! They probably don’t find you interesting, even as a friend. Don’t feel too badly though, it seems we get conditioned early to think in these self-defeating ways; for example, check out this bizarre advice on KidzWorld.com about how to deal with your fear of approaching someone you have a crush on. On the off chance that they are as interested in you as you are in them and are just shy, there’s an old secret trick: ask them out! But since it’s a lot more fun to wallow in misery, loneliness, and fantasy states, our bold Valentine gift suggestions here will focus on gifts that will either win your dream date’s heart, or force them to reciprocate with a gift for you. In the form of a restraining order. On that note, if you’re planning on surprising a coworker with some impassioned expression of your undying love that you’ve failed to express for months even though they work in the next cubicle, you might want to check out this Connecticut Employment Law Blog piece about how romantic overtures in the workplace can head south. Especially if there’s a courthouse south of you. But you’re obsessed and delusional, so never mind all that. Just kick back and enjoy our gift suggestions for that special someone you adore and fear.

The Cookie Sutra

They’re just cookies having sex, right? Cute, right? You’ll be able to play it off as a joke, right? Maybe not. This is the gift equivalent of pickup lines like “You must be exhausted, ’cause you’ve been running through my mind all day” or ” Do you have a mirror in your pocket? ’cause I can see myself in your pants.”

“Ring for Sex” Bell

Traditionally, that’s basically what an engagement ring was – a “ring for sex”. But in this case, the word “ring” functions as a verb. An excellent passive-aggressive way to let that unsuspecting someone know they better start suspecting. Or get a restraining order. Be sure to make a joke in the accompanying card about how you “Pav-love” the recipient. Also available as a handbell ringer.

Ultimate Siamese Slanket

Putting aside for the moment the fact that whoever coined the term “Slanket” should be shot, this is an excellent way to convey the idea “No, I just want to snuggle”, even though in your sick and twisted fantasies you’ve already had sex with the recipient in all the positions featured in the Cookie Sutra book above.

Fundies – Undies for Two

A natural companion gift for the The Ultimate Siamese Slanket.

Pink Lip Pacifier

It’s hard to tell from the photo exactly what this pouty-lipped contraption is, but yes, it’s a pacifier. And we all know what message a gift like this will send, right? Okay, we confess. No. We don’t.

Fur-lined Handcuffs

If you’re the kind of person who has always thought the concept behind the song If You Love Someone, Set Them Free was utterly irrational, this gift would convey your thinking pretty well, with the additional message “Even though I’m going to keep you in a hole under my house, I don’t want your wrists messed up”.

Heart-shaped Branding Iron

In an era when there’s a constant buzz about “building your personal brand”, what better way to put your mark on something? And by “something”, we of course mean the object of your desire. And by “mark” we mean a heart shaped blister. Nothing says “be mine” quite like searing your true love’s flesh with a branding iron.

Fifty Shades of Grey Teddy Bear

Nothing like a teddy bear as a harmless and cute symbol of affection for someone, right? Unless it’s a teddy bear holding handcuffs and a blindfold. Which kind of dilutes the classiness the product description tries to convey by pointing out that it “features smoldering eyes, a gray suit, and satin tie”.

Bitch U Is Fine Plush Teddy Bear

Let’s face it. The Fifty Shades of Grey Teddy Bear  does nothing to hide your real intentions, so why church it up? Let’s just get to the point.

50 Shades Gift Box

Better yet, rather than pussyfooting around with ambiguous teddy bear messaging, just go all in. Includes plush handcuffs, shackles, blindfold, whip, and Mr. Grey mints.

Mr. Grey Will See You Now Shot Glass

Oddly, this is probably the least passive-aggressive message gift in this collection. Historically, drinks have been a mildly sneaky way to change the outcome of a date, but this glass basically says “I want to get you drunk and do weird things to you”.

LOA Voodoo Doll – Complete Kit

A last resort, obviously. If all your other clever overtures fail, maybe MAGIC will bring you love.

Digital Recording Binoculars

When even Voodoo has let you down, you may as well step up your game in the “research” department for next year. Besides, you’re probably tired of coming up with explanations for all the scratches on your face from hiding in shrubbery every night.

The post Valentine Gift Ideas For The Obsessive & Passive Aggressive appeared first on Innoculous.com.

_{Brief Jerky might be a great gift idea, but it’s a lot of work!}

When you first met him, his unswerving devotion and discipline were amongst the very things that drew you to him. But as time passed, these same seemingly honorable traits became tiresome, especially when he started complaining about how sloppy your “rack” was, and yelling “drop and gimme fitty!” every time you did something he didn’t like. And then he started carrying a pocket-sized edition of the Constitution  and using the word “tyranny” in casual conversation, talking about how he could no longer “stand down in the face of this oppression”. Maybe he has plans for seizing a bird sanctuary of his own, or maybe he’s already headed off to Oregon to Defend the Sacred Constitution with His Brothers in Arms. But either way, he’s managed to make Valentine’s Day 2016 a challenge, maybe even a personal hell. Don’t fret. We have plenty of gift ideas to make this Valentine’s Day a day to remember for the Militia Man in your life…

It’s Been Done

Before you order that 55 gallon drum of Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant, take note of the fact that this has been searched on Amazon so many times that if you type “55 gallon”, it’s two of the top three autocomplete suggestions:

But If You Must…

Don’t let that stop you, a bunch of men alone in a bird sanctuary can never have too much lube, right?

Snacks

C’mon. This is what they asked for in the first place, right? So let’s give them a little variety.

The Weener’s Circle

What could be more ‘Merican than HOT DOGS? And few foods better symbolize the average red-blooded, red-necked militiaman than a weener. So why not go all out and get ’em a 10 Pound case of Ball Park Beef Frank Hot Dogs?

Although some men are more proficient at barbecue time than bedtime, other men are so horrible at cooking that they could burn water. Either way, your constitutional defender will love a copy of Wieners Gone Wild! Out-of-the-Ballpark Recipes for Extraordinary Hot Dogs

Eventually, they’ll get tired of grilling, run out of charcoal, or maybe want hot dogs at breakfast. The Nostalgia Electrics Retro Series Pop-Up Hot Dog Toaster to the rescue!

All That, and a Bag of Dicks

Usually, when you’re on the front lines living on rations while protecting liberty for all those dumbass liberals, you don’t get dick all for dessert. Let’s fix that, with some Super Fun Penis Candies.

Chicken – It’s Not Just for Sissies Any More

Chicken may not be the manliest of foods, until you call it COCK, of course. But it’s definitely one of the better meat protein values. Might as well give your hero some ideas for how to cook it with a copy of 50 Ways to Eat Cock: Healthy Chicken Recipes with Balls!

Oh Yeah. They’ll Need Some Chicken

Militia leader Ammon Bundy was quoted as saying “We will be here as long as it takes”, and everybody knows things keep best when canned, so why not send them some Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken? Before you do though, you might want to take a look at this “unboxing” article .

Accessories

If your militia man is gonna be doing all this cooking, he’ll need something both functional and stylish to wear, like this Grill Sergeant BBQ Apron …

…and nothing’s more annoying than having to walk all the way over to the cooler to “reload”, so help him stay fully armed at all times with the Hops Holster 12 Can Ammo Pack

Serious Survival Needs

The I’m Not Gay But $20 is $20 Can Coolie  might provide our supposedly hetero hero a little comfort on those cold nights when the sanctuary gets crowded with new recruits and everyone is forced to hot rack

It would be a tragedy to wear all that camo and get pinned down by enemy fire because you waved some bright white paper as you “performed your duty” for God and Country. Help your constitution keeper cover his ass with plenty of BigMouth Inc Camouflage Toilet Paper

A Gift For You!

Or maybe you could avoid the mixed messages you’re broadcasting by giving him ANY kind of gift, and should instead get one for yourself, like Dear Asshole: 101 Tear-Out Letters to the Morons Who Muck Up Your Life. You’ll save a lot on shipping, and your only message will be an unambiguous “over and out”.

The post Valentine Gift Ideas for the Militia Man In Your Life appeared first on Innoculous.com.

I’ve always been a bit perplexed by the holiday tradition of drinking your brains out on the last day of the year, as if that will somehow make it go away. The year, that is, not your brain. Even when I did drink – which used to be quite often – I certainly didn’t see anything especially exciting about drinking for a holiday, and now that I don’t, my New Year’s Eve is more often spent having a nice dinner and watching a movie or going to a party where I know that getting staggering drunk isn’t the over-arching theme. This year looks like a party year not a movie year for me, but if you’re looking for something to watch this New Year’s Eve, we’ve rounded up some interesting films for your consideration.

In my opinion, probably the best New Year’s film ever made was the Coen Brothers’ The Hudsucker Proxy. If you saw it but missed its message of circles, cycles, and beginnings-being-ends, give it another go-round, so to speak. On top of the always-stylish Coen Brother’s production and set design, it’s full of brilliant and over-the-top performances by Tim Robbins, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Paul Newman, Bill Cobbs, and Charles Durning. And of course Jim True-Frost as “Buzz the Elevator Operator”. I love this film so much that a couple of years ago I made it part of the evening’s party plan, cuing it to start at exactly 10:22:45pm so that Tim Robbins’ character would jump off the building at exactly midnight. Yeah, I know. A little weird.

Anyway, here are a few other selections, and my unsolicited commentary…

The Apartment

The most remarkable thing about the fact that The Apartment received ten Academy Award nominations and won five is probably the fact that it didn’t win all ten, or at least two more for Shirley MacLaine and Jack Lemmon’s performances, the latter of which Kevin Spacey dedicated his Oscar for American Beauty to in 2000. Although brilliantly comedic, and definitely in the New Year theme, given its occasionally somber tone and thoughtful pace this might be a better film for New Year’s day itself, when there’s nothing to do but lie around and absorb its genius. And fluids, as you nurse your hangover.

Rudolph’s Shiny New Year

This film takes the “holiday horror” genre to epic new heights, but perhaps the most horrifying thing is that I ACTUALLY WATCHED IT. The premise relies on a serious mythology mashup, with Father Time calling on Santa Claus to find the missing Baby New Year. Recognizing the commercial and economic catastrophe that would ensue if it remained December 31st FOREVER, Santa of course sends out an Amber Alert to Rudolph, the bastard child of Montgomery Ward, aircraft warning lights, and the bizarre myth of flying reindeer. This movie could have only been made in the 1970’s, when cocaine, marijuana, and LSD were staples at production meetings. Rudolph first hooks up in the desert with a Dali-esque camel with a clock for a hump, to find himself stalked by a buzzard named “Eon”, who is also looking for Baby New Year. Eon’s life depends on it; for some reason, although they say right in the dialog that an eon is an indeterminate period in time, Eon’s reign is officially over in exactly six days, when the new year begins. Soon Rudolph is hunting the “Archipelago of Last Year”, where all the previous old years retire on their own islands, and before you know it…. Oh fuck it. I confess. That’s when I stopped watching. Feel free to let me how they wrapped things up. At least a kid watching this would learn the word “Archipelago”.

Bridget Jones’s Diary

Bridget Jones starts right out with New Year’s resolutions, including losing weight, quitting smoking, and not having relationships with “alcoholics, workaholics, commitment phobics, peeping toms, megalomaniacs, emotional fuckwits or perverts”. This film was made just long enough after Hugh Grant’s hooker incident (something the hooker publicly thanked him for) that you could almost – but not quite – pretend that Grant was only acting the part of the seedy character that embodies all of those traits. There’s little you can say about a film that so effectively does what it sets out to do, and Bridget Jones’s Diary certainly does what it sets out to do, with honest and touching humor, by exploring the kind of mild self-deprecation that many of us engage in routinely. A great date-at-home film, especially if you’re a guy out to show how sweet you really are underneath that raging drunk that’s suddenly surfacing for the first time this New Year’s Eve.

200 Cigarettes

I always hate playing the critic, because I create a lot of media, and, well, to be honest, a lot of it sucks. I’ll gladly make an exception in this case though. 200 Cigarettes is an amazing example of how in spite of having all the tools necessary to make a smash hit movie – bankable stars, a massive promotion machine, limitless music licensing funds, and a herd of producers to back things – you can still manage to produce utter drivel. In a way this is a fitting outcome for 200 Cigarettes; the film is the stillborn baby of the MTV network and its generation, and embodies everything that sucked about MTV’s evolution over two decades, an evolution that started its downward spiral in the first couple of years of its existence, when they chucked the “M” to focus entirely on the “TV”. Sadly, in spite of the fact that the film was the product of a network that calls itself “Music Television”, even the 200 Cigarettes soundtrack kind of sucked.

Entrapment

Everything must come to an end, and Entrapment certainly does. Katherine Zeta Jones’ “end”, to be specific. As this review on eFilmCritic points out, the infamous “squirming through the lasers” scene keeps a gratuitously tight focus on Jones’ rear, and is “shown on the commercial, the preview and in the movie itself like 7 times. The challenge is this: Build a movie around it.” The only thing actually “New Years-y” about this film is the fact that the big heist takes place on New Year’s Eve at the turn of the millennium. It’s a fun action/suspense flick in any case, and a perfect vehicle for Sean Connery’s later-life suave bad guy persona.

Poseidon

This film will almost certainly go down in the anals of film history as a masterpiece. Maybe even the annals. One thing rarely mentioned in reviews is how brilliantly Richard Dreyfuss goes about finally outing himself with a not-so-subtle “SOS” to anyone willing to notice. I jest of course. I think. But Poseidon truly is a masterpiece. The filmmakers did an absolutely phenomenal job of recapturing the essential elements of 1976’s Poseidon Adventure, casting a bunch of familar B-List actors that they kill off one by one, so they could put the money where it really mattered, i.e., the special effects and budget for extras. Seriously, this film must have single-handedly generated more revenue for the extras unions than all the other films of 2006 combined. This would be an especially great film to watch on New Year’s Eve if you got stuck babysitting annoying nieces or nephews. Getting hammered while the kids provided a real-life “Mystery Science Theater” Greek Chorus would make for a New Year’s Eve to remember. Especially when social services shows up after you start drunk dialing and call the ex who dumped you two days before Christmas and they get fed up and decide to bust on you.

After the Thin Man

If you know your “film school drop out required viewing material”, the “Thin Man” movies need no explanation. But if you don’t, the series of movies based on Dashiell Hammett’s stories follow the escapades of the suave, quick-witted and hard drinking detective couple Nick and Nora Charles. The one-liners are incessant, and delivered in a deadpan rapid fire fashion that ensures you’ll always catch a new one on repeated viewings, like when Nora says to her gun-toting husband: “Are you packing, dear?” and Nick replies: “Yes, darling. I’m just putting away this liquor.”

Sunset Boulevard

This one is on my list to actually watch this year, because I haven’t seen it since I was bombed out of my mind one New Year in the 80’s, and I barely remember it. Again, this is required film school dropout viewing. If you haven’t seen Sunset Boulevard, you can lay no claim to having any knowledge whatsoever of American film. It is, for instance, the origin of the now-archaic cliche “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.” It also features the horrifying scenario of being tricked into a “New Years Eve party for two” by someone you’re not in love with.

The post 10 Movies For New Year’s Eve appeared first on Innoculous.com.

For this week’s Monday Metavator, we’re going to keep it brief. You’re going to be busy this week; you only have four days to stop eating and drinking so much, hit the gym, and start saving money like you said you would 361 days ago. We just want to point out how your behavior has made it impossible for us to create a useful Venn Diagram explaining it:

The post Why Venn Diagrams are Useless for New Year’s Resolutions appeared first on Innoculous.com.

New Year’s Eve is in many ways a holiday dedicated to various sorts of pretensions. You pretend you own a tuxedo, you pretend you know how to drink, you pretend that you don’t mind spending a few hundred bucks on a night you may not even remember, and you pretend you still care about whoever you’re stuck kissing at midnight. What better way to round out all this pretentiousness than with sabrage, or the act of opening a bottle of champagne with a sword? You never seem to have any idea where that cork’s headed anyway!

Some History

The origin of the art of sabrage was probably the result of two things that it took European imperialists centuries to learn:

• If you’re going to invade Russia, you better bring a lot of booze.
• No one has time on the battlefield to fuss with butler service.

How To Do It Right

Given all the pretentiousness surrounding this tradition of whacking off the top of a champagne bottle with archaic weapons, there are probably few people more suited to explaining the whole affair than Alton Brown. I mean, the guy regularly wears a bow tie, and seems comfortable doing it. He uses lots of alliteration and words you don’t know, and explains some physics you won’t remember. As Alton points out, sabering a bottle of champagne may seem frivolous, but it makes a couple of things very clear (we’re paraphrasing Alton here) :

• You have a goddamn sword.
• You’re stupid enough to open champagne with it.

But let’s let Alton do his thing; he’s much better at it. It’s time again to stick your thumb in your punt and get crackin’ on that annulus!

How To Do It Wrong

Twice. On live television.

But I Don’t Have a Sword!

Don’t feel like such a loser over this. Most of us don’t. But that’s okay, you can do this with a freakin’ spoon:

But I Don’t Have a Spoon Either!

That’s okay, your 50 cal will work just fine too.

The post The Art of Sabrage – Opening Champagne with a Sword appeared first on Innoculous.com.

The only known photo Ann Coulter with a black person. We suspect it’s Photoshopped.

If you’ve ever wondered what Kwanzaa is all about, and you’re a paranoid and delusional white person, you might be interested in taking a look at Ann Coulter’s “brittle sexually frustrated rich white woman with an adam’s apple” take on the holiday. We’re not going to give the piece any link love; we figure that like most minor annoyances (mosquito bites, pesky toddlers, etc), if you ignore Coulter long enough, eventually she’ll just go away. But if you really must read it, here. Let us Google that for you. She basically says it’s an FBI plot, and starts the piece with “I will not be shooting any Black Panthers this week because I am Kwanza-reform, and we are not that observant.” Like most people who have no joy themselves and hate other people having any, she then goes on a rant attempting to disassemble the day with conspiracy theories that would be worthy of comparison to William Burroughs or Hunter Thompson, if it weren’t for her limp and droning prose.

So What Is Kwanzaa Really?

Well, although the Ann Coulter worldview would suggest the page is probably controlled by the FBI, Wikipedia says  it’s a week long festival celebrating the following principles:

Umoja (Unity)
Kujichagulia (Self-Determination)
Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility)
Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics)
Nia (Purpose)
Kuumba (Creativity),
Imani (Faith)

Sounds legit. But even the Wikipedia page leaves something wanting; it merely adds some ambigous anecdotal info and figures regarding who celebrates it, and how.

Let’s Ask Some Black People

Or at least some black people who work for Buzzfeed, anyway:

The post Ann Coulter Really Hates Kwanzaa appeared first on Innoculous.com.