Thank you England, for Brexit. Which reminded us this year – just in time for the holiday – why, over two-hundred years ago, we made our own kind of Brexit, all the way across the Atlantic: you’re the only people stupider than us, and we needed to get away. Now that you’ve reinvigorated our enthusiasm about kicking your collective asses two centuries ago, we’re gonna have to think of something a little more interesting to wear than our usual fat pants and tank tops this year.
The natural inclination here is of course to turn to the old Stars and Stripes, right? But wait a minute. Is that even legal? There is after all, this thing called the Flag Code, and we don’t want to be desecrating our sacred flag, the one that flutters gracefully in the wind as a symbol of freedom and wonderfulness the world over, from Kirkuk to Kabul.
The code is over 3,000 words long, and if you don’t want to come across as some kind of treasonous homo, commie, or worse yet, foreigner, you might want to give it a review. It has some important rules to remember, like “The flag should never touch anything beneath it, such as the ground, the floor, water, or merchandise.” This presumably includes your butt, so maybe the Shore Trendz Patriotic thongs below are a bad idea. Even more specifically, the code says it “should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever. It should not be embroidered on such articles as cushions or handkerchiefs and the like” and “no part of the flag should ever be used as a costume or athletic uniform”.
But you know what? In spite of what your Vietnam vet grandad told you about how burning the flag or wearing it in the crack of your bum is a felony, it’s not. The flag code is not law, it’s just a list of suggestions. So let’s commence to desecratin’!
Run It Up The Flagpole
In this instance, the flagpole will be played by your alcoholic uncle Bob.
You know that point in the afternoon where your uncle Bob reaches peak inebriation, climbs up the flagpole, and slides back down wearing the stars and stripes as a cape? Now you can nip his act in the bud by handing him a Freedom Capes American Flag Cape with his first beer.
His cape fetish still not sated? Uncle Bob will be brought to his knees by your thoughtfulness when you hand over the American Flag Cape Socks at the same time.
Oh Thay, Can You Thee?
(A Favorite Patriotic Thong)
Well, you’ve covered Uncle Bob’s top end and bottom end, you might as well cover his middle. You’ll be glad he’s wearing these Shore Trendz Patriotic thongs around 10pm, when he sets his cape on fire with a Roman Candle and jumps into the pool, stripping off his clothes as he goes.
We can’t imagine this getup doing anything but terrifying children, as a Faceless Flag Monster walks around your 4th of July party. It’s not clear what the “Cameltoe Quotient” is on this form-fitting number, but we’re sure it’s high enough to crank up the creep factor.
Add to the terror, by giving the Faceless Flag Monster the eyeless face of a Lucha Libre Wrestler.
GET YOUR ‘MURICA ON
Admit it. There’s a “right wingin’, bitter clingin’, proud clinger of our guns, our God, our religions, and our Constitution” seething just beneath that calm, liberal elitist urban exterior of yours. Let your freedom freak flag fly, with these redneck essentials
We know. Wrong war. But we needed a pun. Sometimes it’s what you don’t wear that makes the look. And in this case what you won’t be wearing is sleeves. Fly the redneck white and blue with this USA Flag Sleeveless Denim Shirt.
WHAT ABOUT HAIR? LET’S MULLET OVER
There’s probably no better way to celebrate the spirit of ’76 – and by that we mean 1976 – than adorning your head with a ‘do rag, headband, or stylish disco-era wig. We said we had you covered from top to bottom. Let’s start at the top.
For the Mullet Impaired
No mullet? No problem! The Bobcat Mullet by Mullet On The Go is a combo headband/mullet!
For the Mullet Prepared
Already have a mullet? The Ergodyne Chill Its Evaporative Bandana will keep you looking and feeling cool.
The Hairless Harley Man
Is your head more like a human expression of our national bird? No shame. Cover that chrome dome with a 100% cotton ‘do rag by ERB. Harley not included.
The American Revolution was about as punk as you get. Plus, what better symbol of all things American than co-opting a hairstyle of one of the indigenous peoples you conquered, and naming it after the wrong tribe?
This LED-adorned Mohawk Wig by Windy City Novelties will make you easier to find when you pass out in the field where you went to watch fireworks.
Cleaning Implement Version
When you’re done staging your weekend revolution, the MyPartyShirt Patriotic Mohawk Wig looks like it would double nicely as a duster.
There’s a very good chance America will be electing a clown as the next president. May as well be prepared for the circus.
The Red White & Blue Afro Wig by Funny Party Hats is shaped like a natural, but it’s not. Not natural, we mean.
My Head’s On Fire With Patriotism
That’s not a human Q-tip, that’s a man wearing the Amscan All-American Fourth of July Crazy Hair Headband.
Fireworks for the Feet
If the American Flag Cape Socks at the top weren’t your cup of tea, put some sparklers on your feet with these Z-joyee USB-powered Flashing Fashion Sneakers.
HAT ENOUGH YET?
We think not. How are you going to stick feather in your hat and call it macaroni, if you don’t have one?
Suck it Rhinestone Cowboy, it’s the 21st century. LED’s are the new shiny. And the Gift Express Light Up Patriotic Cowboy Hat proves it.
Here Xe Comes, Mx America
Feeling like a princess? Too bad, it’s 2016, and that’s genderizing. We don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, sometimes you just wanna wear a tiara, right? A blinky tiara.
OH SAY, CAN YOU SEE?
Probably not, if you’re wearing these two eye accessories.
Eyelashes? Puh. How droll. Accent your patriotic gaze with some Amscan Party Ready Team Spirit Fake Eyelashes
Stars & Stripes LED Sunglasses
There’s something weird about wearing a thing that protects you from bright light, and sticking bright lights in it, so you can wear it in the dark. But these Stars Stripes American Flag Light Up LED Sunglasses let you do just that.
Nothing says “America, Fuck Yeah” quite like a hat that says “America, Fuck Yeah”.