Is there someone in your life, maybe someone at your workplace, about whom you’ve often thought “if only the right opportunity presented itself, we could fall madly in love”? Well, snap out of it. If you’ve worked with or otherwise been around someone for months on end and they still avoid eye contact and keep conversations brief and on-topic, guess what! They probably don’t find you interesting, even as a friend. Don’t feel too badly though, it seems we get conditioned early to think in these self-defeating ways; for example, check out this bizarre advice on KidzWorld.com about how to deal with your fear of approaching someone you have a crush on. On the off chance that they are as interested in you as you are in them and are just shy, there’s an old secret trick: ask them out! But since it’s a lot more fun to wallow in misery, loneliness, and fantasy states, our bold Valentine gift suggestions here will focus on gifts that will either win your dream date’s heart, or force them to reciprocate with a gift for you. In the form of a restraining order. On that note, if you’re planning on surprising a coworker with some impassioned expression of your undying love that you’ve failed to express for months even though they work in the next cubicle, you might want to check out this Connecticut Employment Law Blog piece about how romantic overtures in the workplace can head south. Especially if there’s a courthouse south of you. But you’re obsessed and delusional, so never mind all that. Just kick back and enjoy our gift suggestions for that special someone you adore and fear.
The Cookie Sutra
They’re just cookies having sex, right? Cute, right? You’ll be able to play it off as a joke, right? Maybe not. This is the gift equivalent of pickup lines like “You must be exhausted, ’cause you’ve been running through my mind all day” or ” Do you have a mirror in your pocket? ’cause I can see myself in your pants.”
“Ring for Sex” Bell
Traditionally, that’s basically what an engagement ring was – a “ring for sex”. But in this case, the word “ring” functions as a verb. An excellent passive-aggressive way to let that unsuspecting someone know they better start suspecting. Or get a restraining order. Be sure to make a joke in the accompanying card about how you “Pav-love” the recipient. Also available as a handbell ringer.
Ultimate Siamese Slanket
Putting aside for the moment the fact that whoever coined the term “Slanket” should be shot, this is an excellent way to convey the idea “No, I just want to snuggle”, even though in your sick and twisted fantasies you’ve already had sex with the recipient in all the positions featured in the Cookie Sutra book above.
Fundies – Undies for Two
A natural companion gift for the The Ultimate Siamese Slanket.
Pink Lip Pacifier
It’s hard to tell from the photo exactly what this pouty-lipped contraption is, but yes, it’s a pacifier. And we all know what message a gift like this will send, right? Okay, we confess. No. We don’t.
If you’re the kind of person who has always thought the concept behind the song If You Love Someone, Set Them Free was utterly irrational, this gift would convey your thinking pretty well, with the additional message “Even though I’m going to keep you in a hole under my house, I don’t want your wrists messed up”.
Heart-shaped Branding Iron
In an era when there’s a constant buzz about “building your personal brand”, what better way to put your mark on something? And by “something”, we of course mean the object of your desire. And by “mark” we mean a heart shaped blister. Nothing says “be mine” quite like searing your true love’s flesh with a branding iron.
Fifty Shades of Grey Teddy Bear
Nothing like a teddy bear as a harmless and cute symbol of affection for someone, right? Unless it’s a teddy bear holding handcuffs and a blindfold. Which kind of dilutes the classiness the product description tries to convey by pointing out that it “features smoldering eyes, a gray suit, and satin tie”.
Bitch U Is Fine Plush Teddy Bear
Let’s face it. The Fifty Shades of Grey Teddy Bear does nothing to hide your real intentions, so why church it up? Let’s just get to the point.
50 Shades Gift Box
Better yet, rather than pussyfooting around with ambiguous teddy bear messaging, just go all in. Includes plush handcuffs, shackles, blindfold, whip, and Mr. Grey mints.
Mr. Grey Will See You Now Shot Glass
Oddly, this is probably the least passive-aggressive message gift in this collection. Historically, drinks have been a mildly sneaky way to change the outcome of a date, but this glass basically says “I want to get you drunk and do weird things to you”.
LOA Voodoo Doll – Complete Kit
A last resort, obviously. If all your other clever overtures fail, maybe MAGIC will bring you love.
Digital Recording Binoculars
When even Voodoo has let you down, you may as well step up your game in the “research” department for next year. Besides, you’re probably tired of coming up with explanations for all the scratches on your face from hiding in shrubbery every night.