Brief Jerky might be a great gift idea, but it’s a lot of work!
When you first met him, his unswerving devotion and discipline were amongst the very things that drew you to him. But as time passed, these same seemingly honorable traits became tiresome, especially when he started complaining about how sloppy your “rack” was, and yelling “drop and gimme fitty!” every time you did something he didn’t like. And then he started carrying a pocket-sized edition of the Constitution and using the word “tyranny” in casual conversation, talking about how he could no longer “stand down in the face of this oppression”. Maybe he has plans for seizing a bird sanctuary of his own, or maybe he’s already headed off to Oregon to Defend the Sacred Constitution with His Brothers in Arms. But either way, he’s managed to make Valentine’s Day 2016 a challenge, maybe even a personal hell. Don’t fret. We have plenty of gift ideas to make this Valentine’s Day a day to remember for the Militia Man in your life…
It’s Been Done
Before you order that 55 gallon drum of Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant, take note of the fact that this has been searched on Amazon so many times that if you type “55 gallon”, it’s two of the top three autocomplete suggestions:
But If You Must…
Don’t let that stop you, a bunch of men alone in a bird sanctuary can never have too much lube, right?
C’mon. This is what they asked for in the first place, right? So let’s give them a little variety.
The Weener’s Circle
What could be more ‘Merican than HOT DOGS? And few foods better symbolize the average red-blooded, red-necked militiaman than a weener. So why not go all out and get ’em a 10 Pound case of Ball Park Beef Frank Hot Dogs?
Although some men are more proficient at barbecue time than bedtime, other men are so horrible at cooking that they could burn water. Either way, your constitutional defender will love a copy of Wieners Gone Wild! Out-of-the-Ballpark Recipes for Extraordinary Hot Dogs
Eventually, they’ll get tired of grilling, run out of charcoal, or maybe want hot dogs at breakfast. The Nostalgia Electrics Retro Series Pop-Up Hot Dog Toaster to the rescue!
All That, and a Bag of Dicks
Usually, when you’re on the front lines living on rations while protecting liberty for all those dumbass liberals, you don’t get dick all for dessert. Let’s fix that, with some Super Fun Penis Candies.
Chicken – It’s Not Just for Sissies Any More
Chicken may not be the manliest of foods, until you call it COCK, of course. But it’s definitely one of the better meat protein values. Might as well give your hero some ideas for how to cook it with a copy of 50 Ways to Eat Cock: Healthy Chicken Recipes with Balls!
Oh Yeah. They’ll Need Some Chicken
Militia leader Ammon Bundy was quoted as saying “We will be here as long as it takes”, and everybody knows things keep best when canned, so why not send them some Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken? Before you do though, you might want to take a look at this “unboxing” article .
If your militia man is gonna be doing all this cooking, he’ll need something both functional and stylish to wear, like this Grill Sergeant BBQ Apron …
…and nothing’s more annoying than having to walk all the way over to the cooler to “reload”, so help him stay fully armed at all times with the Hops Holster 12 Can Ammo Pack
The I’m Not Gay But $20 is $20 Can Coolie might provide our supposedly hetero hero a little comfort on those cold nights when the sanctuary gets crowded with new recruits and everyone is forced to hot rack
It would be a tragedy to wear all that camo and get pinned down by enemy fire because you waved some bright white paper as you “performed your duty” for God and Country. Help your constitution keeper cover his ass with plenty of BigMouth Inc Camouflage Toilet Paper
A Gift For You!
Or maybe you could avoid the mixed messages you’re broadcasting by giving him ANY kind of gift, and should instead get one for yourself, like Dear Asshole: 101 Tear-Out Letters to the Morons Who Muck Up Your Life. You’ll save a lot on shipping, and your only message will be an unambiguous “over and out”.