It’s amazing the amount of belly-aching that tech industry first-worlders can engage in when it comes to a simple thing like a mobile phone. Take for instance this Slate piece, in which the author first frets about whether or not the iPhone 6 will fit in his skinny hipster jeans (more on this below), and after making peace with that issue, goes on to complain that THIS PHONE IS TOO BIG, like some kind of Cellphone Goldilocks. Has it ever occurred to you, Mr. Slate Writer Guy, that maybe YOUR HANDS ARE TOO SMALL? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been guilty of this kind of Crybaby Consumerism elsewhere myself. But never mind all of that, I unfortunately will never buy an iPhone, because the only thing that would drive me to upgrade from my crappy but indestructible QWERTY slider Samsung from Boost would be a phone like this:

The latest in First World Problems: OH NO MY IPHONE WON’T FIT IN MY SKINNY JEANS

Built in Asia. Shipped to America. Then Asian people wait in line for days to buy it and ship it back where it came from.