The idea of technology overtaking your life and destroying it has been the dystopian theme of science fiction stories since before the genre really existed, beginning with stories like the 1909 novel The Machine Stops, and carving out its place as a near-cliché in films like Logan’s Run, THX 1138, Blade Runner, and Brazil. I’ve always felt Brazil covered the topic best, with its failing toasters, anachronistic technology, labyrinthine plumbing, and its eerie prediction of terrorist bombings as a daily occurrence met with nonchalance.

Well, the future is here, as they say. People are already (perhaps reasonably) freaking out about the possibilitities of self-driving-cars-gone-wrong. But interestingly, the least of your worries is the car-run-amok-in-traffic scenario that most folks envision. No, according to the experts, what you should be worried about is driverless car bombs and getaway cars. Like most things though, the terrifying realities of the future tend to play out in much more mundane, insidious ways. You know, like texting. So let’s take a look at a few ways the internet is invading your life, in ways you never expected. And in many cases, don’t need or want it to.

PLACES YOU DON’T NEED THE INTERNET

Your Butt

For most people, the internet hasn’t even entered their homes, but here it is already trying to make its way into your butt! To be fair, the description for the Kinsa Smart Thermometer says it’s for oral, rectal, or underarm use. Why is it that when we see a thermometer, we immediately think of butts? On a side note, this one of course immediately made me think of Eddie Murphy’s Boogie In Your Butt.

Your Vagina

The weirdest thing about this internet invasion is that for some reason the BABYPOD  is hardwired. So why do you need a BABYPOD? According to the producer of the product, it’s all about “the difference between music via the vagina and via the abdomen”. We’ll spare you all the cheap shots about including songs like Wynona’s Big Brown Beaver on your playlist, because pictures speak a thousand words, and this video says the rest.

We’re not sure what’s happening in this image, but we suspect they’ve lost contact and are trying to locate the speaker:

Your Crockpot

It’s 10:10am. Your stew is slowly cooking. It’s 10:15am. Your stew is slowly cooking. It’s 10:20am “THE FEATURE YOU ARE TRYING TO USE IS ON A NETWORK RESOURCE THAT IS UNAVAILABLE”. It kind of ruins the whole idea of slow-cooking if you watch over the crockpot like a new parent holding a mirror to their baby’s mouth to make sure they’re breathing. We also wonder if the bizarre quantum “watched pot never boils” phenomena also happens over wifi, or if this somehow nullifies it. Find out yourself with a Crock-Pot Smart Wifi-Enabled WeMo 6-Quart Slow Cooker

Your Eggs

Bags under your eyes from the stress of worrying all day and waking thrice nightly to check on how many eggs are in your fridge? The Quirky Egg Minder Wink App Enabled Smart Egg Tray might just change your life. But don’t take it from us, here’s an actual user review:

Your Diaper

Have you heard of Amazon Dash? Having a handy pushbutton mounted on your washing machine that lets you order more Tide automatically is actually a pretty darn clever idea. But we don’t know if it makes as much sense for say, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, and if you’re wearing your last pair of Depends when you say to yourself “Oh crap, I better order some Depends”, it may be a little too late.

Your Bathroom Scale

As of this writing, there are over 2,600 positive reviews for the Fitbit Aria WiFi Smart Scale, but as far as we can tell, its real usefulness lies in the fact that it’s an easy way to watch your cats‘ weight (all three of them), and without them knowing:

Your Baby Monitor

Oops. Looks like we’re too late. The soul-less consciousness of the internet seems to have already taken control of this child. Don’t let the same thing happen to your kid, harden those security settings before you get hacked like these folks.

Under Your Desk

Probably only second to chewed gum, the internet is near the top of the list of things you don’t want to find under your desk. Just ask the staff at Daily Telegraph who did, and immediately demanded its removal. The paper claimed it was only trying to improve energy efficiency, but OccupEye bills itself as a way to condense workspaces to save money, with little mention of eco-concerns.

Your Clothes

Looking for all the world like a Health Goth version of the sex suits in Zero Theorem, the TeslaSuit is still just a KickStarter pitch for a gaming suit. But imagine the possibilities for hackers once they have access to actually controlling your bodily sensations.

_{If you want to keep up on the latest in what you don’t need internet in, you might want to follow @internetofshit on Twitter}