If things are a little quiet at your workplace today, there are a few possible explanations. If you happen to live in China, it’s probably because everyone took the day off to celebrate Chinese New Year. It’s the Year of the Monkey by the way, if you don’t stay on top of these things. The fact that it’s Chinese New Year also means it’s the new moon, so if there are any occultists, witches, or wizards on your staff, maybe they’re performing a strange ritual in the woods somewhere. But if you’re in the states, the most likely culprit is what is sometimes referred to as “SuperbowLitis”. We capitalized the “L” as a sort of tribute to the Roman numerals which were abandoned for a year by the NFL, who apparently decided that swag would sell better with a “50” on it than a single letter “L”. So for this week’s Monday Metavator, we’re looking at the symptoms and causes behind this debilitating annual affliction.

So Big Deal. People Are Just Playing Hooky, Right?

If you’re trying to run a productive and profitable business, Superbowlitis is no joke; according to Captivate Office Pulse, it causes a $1 Billion dollar loss in productivity. And the infographic below highlights some other negative impacts on the workplace:

_{Source: The Workforce Institute at Kronos “Super Bowl 50 Fever Sidelines Employees” survey.}

What Are The Symptoms of Superbowlitis?

The symptoms can range from simple headaches and nausea to bloated or vacated wallets, depending on a Superbowl fan’s personal addictions and/or weaknesses of character. The side effects of a vacated wallet can be a key cause of the employee’s absence, as they either run from pawn shop to pawn shop to try and recoup funds before their spouse finds out, or are recovering from wounds because their spouse already found out. Bloated wallets can lead to sudden delusions of grandeur and put the subject at risk of STD’s from the call girls they suddenly feel they can afford.

What Are The Causes?

About 34% of respondents to one of this year’s most-cited surveys will simply be hung over. This of course clearly indicates that in reality, about 90% of those calling in sick are absent for this reason, because we all know alcoholics are lying, self-deluded scoundrels. But even if the 50 million cases of beer consumed weren’t the cause, the food sure would be. Never mind all the hot dogs and chicken wings, just look at the terrifying ingredients of the traditional seven layer dip. If this wouldn’t cause indigestion and discomfort, we don’t know what would: