We’ve all probably heard some story from a grandparent about how when they were kids, the only toy they had was a stick, and how their mom had to tie a pork chop around their neck to get the dog to play with them. Or how they couldn’t even play with string can telephones because the family was so poor they couldn’t afford canned food. And how they ate cereal with a fork to save milk. While no-one in our generation had it that bad, we sure did get gypped on the technology. The toys we could only dream of are now a click away on Amazon. Which is why I’m gonna go buy a bunch of these things and not let my friends’ kids play with them.

---

Video Walkie Talkies

When I got my first cellphone years ago – a Motorola flip-phone – I made the admittedly dorky remark “Man, we really would have had fun playing Star Trek as kids if we had these.” Now, just a few short years later, you can get video phone walkie talkies. Children of today, I both salute and hate you.

---

Laser Tag

These little babies would have prevented more real-world fistfights on the playground than all the “bully counseling” in the world ever could. No more “I got you” and “no you didn’t” brawls in the dirt. If the laser hits you, the laser hits you. End of debate. Better conflict resolution, through technology.

---

Hot Chicks As Action Figures

Even today, many parents still express a subtle discomfort when a boy wants to play with female dolls. But let’s face it, our GI Joe’s were very lonely, pent up guys. Perhaps a lot of their conflict and aggression could have been avoided if they’d had the sensibilities of a woman around, especially one who could kick their asses, like Marvel’s Black Widow.

---

Nerf N-Strike Elite Rhino-Fire Blaster

Speaking of conflict, many of us only had Nerf Balls, and the fun was restricted to pathetic games of indoor basketball or whatever. The closest thing to an assault weapon we had was probably a Super Soaker. This would have all been quickly remedied with a Nerf N-Strike Elite Rhino-Fire Blaster. You know what? I think I’m gonna go buy one RIGHT NOW, so I can use it on the little bastards of today, whose PC parents probably won’t let them have one.

---

Virtual Reality 3D Headset

I’ll never forget the first time I saw those stunning 3D images of the Grand Canyon with my GAF Viewmaster when I was a kid. Or how much it sucked to have to point the damn things at a light source to get a good view because my folks didn’t spring for the lighted version. Today’s over-privileged thankless youth need not worry about these issues; they can just stick their $400 smartphone in a VR-019 Virtual Reality Headset and see moving 3D images. Bastards.

---

LEGO Fusion Set

Personally, I always found the basic Lego sets available when I was a kid pretty constricting. With my un-diagnosed OCD issues, the fact that there’d always be one side of a building that had a yellow block because I ran out of white ones was maddening. This could have all been avoided if I could just upload the damn designs and build them virtually. Thanks LEGO. Thanks for bringing this to market decades too late for my mental health.

Radio Controlled Anything

One of my most vivid memories of being a kid is standing at the hobby or toy store, gazing with starry eyes at the radio-controlled airplanes and amazingly realistic train sets. And then being shoved rudely out of line by pot bellied old men, because they were the only people with the interest and disposable income to buy such things. This of course has all changed; never mind the dazzling variety of quadroter drones on the market, you can buy a radio-controlled anything these days, from a car, to a submarine, to a robot or even a dinosaur. Take that, pot-bellied old men of yesteryear.